I grew up in a single parent home. My mom was both mama and papa, and she did it effortlessly. So talks about marriage weren’t common in my home, and parenting deemed as easy as pie. I am here to tell you the good the bad and ugly about marriage and parenting, straight no chaser.
1. Marriage is about compromising, whether you like it or not
“It’s either my way or the highway!” Nope, not in a marriage. Marriage requires both partners to give up something in order to take up for something else. Both persons have to be willing sacrifice one thing for another to make the relationship work. Many times people get into marriage thinking it’s a one way street and that’s why shows like Divorce Court keep its high ratings. Like seriously, you’re getting divorced over house chores? Make a list of your expectations in the relationship and discuss how to make it work for the both of you. That way the both of you aren’t going into this blindsided. It took me a while to figure this out.
My mom raised us to believe that the world is yours so do what the f*ck you wanna do. Oh, and let’s not get started on money, Honey. In my house hold it grew on the trees right on Chene St. When I got married my thinking had to change in order to have a successful marriage. All I can say is thank God for my husband for teaching me things I wasn’t taught. I’m still learning to this day, but I’m a hell of a lot better than I was before.
2. Be the cheerleader. You’re the assistant coach for God’s sake.
All coaches want their team to win right? You don’t spend long hours practicing, sweating, and yelling just to lose, do you? Well, why would you invest time in a marriage, or any relationship at that, just to lose? When I’m hard at working on something better believe Ronnie, my husband, is right behind pushing and pulling me through. Hell, his assistant coaching skills are on point. And the same goes for him. It’s nothing he can tell me that I won’t be in full gear ready to tackle some tasks, and that’s how every relationship should be. Cheer your mate on, be the cheerleader and the assistant coach. You want your team to win dammit!
3. Let’s talk about sex baby…
Mama never told me that sex while with kids is like a game of tic, tac, toe. You might think you have the perfect plan to get three in a row, but somehow the opponent outsmarts you and they win over and over and over again. It doesn’t matter when we think it’s the perfect time the kids somehow out smart us just about 90% of the time. Sex was cool while only having 1 kid. I mean, all it took was his favorite TV show on repeat, some snacks, and it was a go for us. But now with 2 kids, a 2 year old and a 6 year old, it’s quite odd that every time we think it’s the perfect time, they say otherwise. It’s either, “ow he/she hit me”, “mommy can you fix my IPad”, “mommy/daddy can I come in?” these are just a few. We find ourselves being quite spontaneous with the distraction of 2 kids and no privacy, and that’s what keeps our sex life hot.
I mean sneaking can be fun, but at times mama like’s a little more noise than usual without the kids thinking we’re killing each other in there. Furthermore, make your marriage spontaneous whether or not you have kids. Healthy sex lives keeps healthy marriages.
4. Kids are smarter than you think
Oh so you think you’re smarter than a child, huh? Nope, kids know more than we think at least when it comes to emotions. Let’s think of it like this, before a child can gather the right words to describe how he feel, they’ve already gathered the concept of emotions whether they cry, laugh, smile, frown, etc. The words don’t come out as right, or at all for that reason, but they can sense fear, sadness, happiness, anger, love, hate, etc.
Keep your bickering to a minimum, or better yet don’t do it all unless in private. I’m not perfect, sometimes I might slip up and say something that I shouldn’t have to my husband, and in the end the oldest might feel the backlash from it or dislike the fact I said mean things to his daddy. Oops, my bad! Kids paint vivid pictures from words and emotions. It’s important for them to paint pictures that are beautiful enough to last a lifetime. But I’ve learned that communicating in the most privately way is the best way, for the kid’s sake.
5. Eat, Pray, and Slay Together
My marriage is based on 3 concepts that I think a lot of marriages don’t have but should have. We eat, pray, and slay together in which these concepts put our marriage into perspective. But what does it mean actually? I’m glad you asked.
It’s deeper than sitting at the table eating together. It means get full off life together. Experience everything life has to offer. The world is your plate and the things that matter the most in your life is what you should consume and enjoy together. Travel, eat at hole in the wall joint or that $100 plate place, be spontaneous and do things you never thought you’d do before. Live, live, live! There’s nothing more fun than experiencing life with the person you planned on spending the rest of your life with.
Have a spiritual connection. Whatever your religion is or maybe you don’t have one, find your inner peace with your high power. It’s nothing sexier than a spiritual connection. Not having that spiritual connection can cause a marriage to fail because you’re not evenly yoked. You just can’t have these spiritual reservations and your partner is on a whole other level, you gotta level up. Having a spiritual connection can take your mind to places that your body can’t. Free your mind the rest will follow, En Vogue said it best.
Slay /sla/ To kick ass at something so amazingly; To dominate
And that’s how you have to hype your relationship up, not for the good of others but for the good of your marriage. Everything you and your mate do, slay that sh*t. Whatever goals you have, slay it. If it’s style, slay it. If it’s school, slay it. Hell, when it comes to chicken my husbands SLAYS, yassss! But whatever it comes down to in your relationship slay it, because you owe it to yourself and your mate to be the best person you can be. As the great Sean “P Diddy” Combs once said, “Yo, the sun don’t shine together, But as long as it’s here then we might as well shine together.”
I’m no marriage guru, but I am a young, black female who came from a place where life lessons wasn’t taught, but it was up to me to figure it out. I’m a mom, a wife of 6 years (and 100 more years at that), that has been in a bad place, and wants to share her story to help keep black love alive or just good old fashioned love in general. Peace.